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Space Warlord Baby Trading Simulator Is About As Evil As The Real Stock Market

Space Warlord Baby Trading Simulator Is About As Evil As The Real Stock Market

“Your life is going to be horrible, so that’s free money as far as I’m concerned,” streamer Northernlion said before setting a short position on a small alien baby made of molten igneous rock. He was playing Space Warlord Baby Trading Simulator, an absurdist stock market simulator that lets you speculate wildly on the lives of alien babies. Short, brutal and laugh out loud funny, it is a game that is only marginally more evil than the financial markets that rule our lives.

Chris Person (@papapishu.bsky.social) 2026-02-07T01:45:21.507Z

Space Warlord Baby Trading Simulator starts on a positive note: in the year 3478, devices called FutureSee terminals have given the intergalactic masses limited insight into the long term consequences of the future of companies, conflicts and star systems. This was a massive boon for civilizations everywhere, as technology improved and most wars were now avoidable. But it also devastated all speculative financial markets, as now nothing could be speculated on. With no other options, the financial industry turned to the only speculative asset it had left: the lives of individual babies, which were too volatile and immediate for the terminals to see. That’s right, it’s time to get out there and speculate on the lives of babies.

The latest game from publisher Strange Scaffold, Space Warlord Baby Trading Simulator feels retro in a thoroughly specific way. It feels like a throwback to a game like Drug Wars, a game I spent endless hours playing on a TI-83 instead of getting work done in math class. Tonally and aesthetically it feels indebted to games like Dinopark Tycoon, Afterlife (a game I was obsessed with) and the masterpiece that is Star Control 2. It is absurd on its face, totally unsubtle with what it’s saying, and none the worse for it.

Space Warlord Baby Trading Simulator Is About As Evil As The Real Stock Market
"Likely event: MELTED DOWN FOR BEING TOO OLD" Credit: Strange Scaffold

Like Drug Wars before it and the stock market generally, the goal is to buy low and sell high. You follow the lives of individual babies on a market-style ticker, buying stock in their lives at their worst and selling at their best. The baby’s overall health is indicated by a beating heart on the right side of the screen. The goal is to optimize your profit and make more than you started with plus the cost of the entry fee. The stock ticker will flash various events in the baby’s life from “covered in gleple poop” to “learned what reading is” (their value goes down after this event). 

On top of simply buying stock, you can short a baby if you are confident their life will get measurably worse in the near future. However, this can backfire tremendously and potentially bankrupt you should you be wrong and they get a promotion or find love. If a baby dies in the span of the short, the short is voided. And though you can choose one of four potential babies every day, side bets can be placed on each of them for potential events, life span and overall value.

Space Warlord Baby Trading Simulator Is About As Evil As The Real Stock Market
"BURNED IN JAIL CELL." Credit: Strange Scaffold

The campaign features nine distinct characters and scenarios representing different traders. The plot of each character adds a significant mechanical tweak to each trading period, with four distinct outcomes to each scenario: failure, bronze, silver or gold. For example, trader Holmit Miskie is a disgraced junior financial planner at Holmit & Spawns whose elderly clientele wishes to get in on the new baby trade, a market his bosses are not confident in and thus are setting him up for failure. He is a sad sack who looks like the alien equivalent of Jack Lemmon in Glengarry Glen Ross, and mechanically he is not allowed to take side bets. Nuria Voll is a retail trader who puts their rent and everything they have to get into the lucrative baby trading market. Mechanically, she is scammed every day by the lease on her “HiValue Guaranteed trade license” and enters the market just as the entire thing goes to shit in what’s known as “The Great Flip.” Mechanically, the market gets twice as expensive and half as profitable halfway through her run. Rep. Hoddle is a legislator who regulates the market, and thus is not allowed to interact with it, save through an intermediary named Willy “No Hands” Shig. Mechanically, this legal loophole of an unscrupulous proxy adds a significant delay to every purchase and sale, making it harder to trade on volatility.

Space Warlord Baby Trading Simulator Is About As Evil As The Real Stock Market
Wenbill is one of the most vile creatures in all of video games. Credit: Strange Scaffold

In addition to this, there are seven different planets you can trade on, each of which have wildly different market tendencies for the babies on them. For example, Google Gibby is a “war world,” where half of the planet is permanently in conflict to benefit the arms industry. This constant state of war means that baby investments tend to trend steady upwards before the baby’s life turns reliably horrible, often for war-based reasons. Cantor Vantis, meanwhile, is a tropical reality tv show planet where galactic children are sent to compete on the show “Get Big or Die Trying,” and which can lead to sudden fortunes before sudden, comically

Space Warlord Baby Trading Simulator Is About As Evil As The Real Stock Market
"Legally, not a dog." Credit: Strange Scaffold

Real Housewives-themed deaths. Though the potential for wealth is high, you could lose everything if they die in a celebrity mishap while you’re holding the bag.

Assisting in your buying and selling are advisors, who can lend insight into the lives of each baby for a fee with varying degrees of accuracy. Details range from the average price of the baby, the value of the baby at age 30, the floor price of the baby, random events in the baby’s life, the longest duration of its positive upswing, and so on. Advisors are key to making money. For example, if you know the average price of a baby is about $3,000, and the baby has been trading below that for several decades, you know that it will have to swing upward above $3,000 for a specific period of time for the overall amount to average out. Occasionally, the knowledge of the advisors will sometimes intersect with the side bets, allowing you to make smarter calls on which baby will pay out aside from the general odds given by the bookies.

Space Warlord Baby Trading Simulator Is About As Evil As The Real Stock Market
What if ancient Greece was also Disney Land.

Space Warlord Baby Trading Simulator is exhilarating, absurd and compelling in the same ruinous way that day trading or speculative investment is. Like Q-UP, it is a game that takes the mechanical form of the thing it is lampooning, successfully having its cake and eating it too. It is the ideal game for someone like Northernlion to stream, and him screaming like a r/WallStreetBets guy is an incredible bit of comedy. It is not a game that overstays its welcome, and it leaves you wanting more to play (an endless mode would be nice, but maybe that defeats the purpose). 

He really does sell it well.

Space Warlord Baby Trading Simulator is also a game that could not be more germane to the moment. The last six years have been maddening if you believe in anything resembling financial regulation. Gambling is functionally legal from your phone in most of the country, the market has never been less rational, insider trading is happening nakedly on a historic scale and the entire economy is held together by bubble gum, petty scams and investments that mathematically could never pay out. Every day you wake up, and every day you think “this will be the day that the bottom falls out,” and that sensation of freefalling you felt in 2008, if you were old enough to remember it, forms like a lead ball in your stomach.

This is not to say that there was some golden era in which the markets were ever ethical–the average 401k or pension quietly finances pure evil–but there was a degree of plausible deniability diffused in the market. Private equity, crypto, and the AI bubble have made those realities increasingly harder to ignore, and now everything is gambling to some degree. And now prediction markets like Kalshi and Polymarket let you bet on the outcomes of everything including war with little to no oversight. There’s literally a grotesque Kalshi ad with roughly the premise as this game made with enthusiastic generative AI slop aliens and zero self awareness. Given how supremely warped the world we live in is, how much worse is it, really, to short a baby?

The Steam Machine, Frame, And Controller Are Full Of Good Design Choices

13. Listopad 2025 v 21:19
The Steam Machine, Frame, And Controller Are Full Of Good Design Choices

Yesterday, Valve announced several different devices: a new controller, a new VR headset (dubbed the Steam Frame) and a fully realized version of the Steam Machine. And while I’m going to need to actually have these things in my hands and on my head to be sure, I’m reading over the specs and mostly nodding while saying, “Oh, that’s quite good.” Valve made a bunch of smart hardware choices, some of which I’ve wanted someone to make forever, and others which I never would have thought of. While I haven’t had a chance to have a hands-on with this hardware, I am fervently excited for everything I’ve seen.

The Steam Controller, vindicated

The Steam Machine, Frame, And Controller Are Full Of Good Design Choices
Credit: Valve

There are some people out there who never forgot the Steam Controller. Wonky and ambitious, with two big touchpads, it did not hit with everyone, but the people it did strike a cord with hoarded them when it went on clearance and held on to them like doomsday preppers. Though the controller was not a hit, you see the DNA of what it did in other peripherals. An entire cottage industry of DIYers use similar Cirque touchpad modules used in that controller in their keyboards to approximate mousing – the Dilemma, Harite and Daedalus, just to name a few. More importantly, you see it in the dual haptic touchpads of the Steam Deck. You really only come to appreciate using them when attempting to type with them, which feel organically not unlike typing on a phone.

The Steam Machine, Frame, And Controller Are Full Of Good Design Choices
The original vision for the Steam Controller (left) and the final shipped one (right). Credit: Valve

The layout of the new controller mirrors that of the Steam Deck. It has symmetrical sticks like the Deck and the PlayStation controller, which is God’s Correct Layout no matter how many asymmetrical Xbox controller layouts I see in the market. Mercifully, it has TMR sticks, which no first party controller has yet. TMR sticks have become the cutting edge standard in basically every good third-party controller coming out of China. TMR modules are lower energy than Hall Effect modules, which came into vogue a few years back following various stick drift scandals. Though I appreciate that stick drift forced people to get far more inventive and adept at DIY, I’m glad that someone is finally just shipping a controller that I don’t, ideally, have to tear apart later.

The Steam Controller also features a combination wireless dongle/magnetic charger Valve is calling the “Steam Controller Puck,” and whoever thought of that deserves a raise. It has a grip sensor Valve dubs “Grip Sense,” which is intended to be used to enable and disable gyroscopic controls, but Valve says it can be mapped like any other button. As a person who loved the rear touch pad on the PS Vita, I love when a company throws something freaky back there. 

The Steam Machine, Frame, And Controller Are Full Of Good Design Choices
The little dots are where you connect the puck, MagSafe style. Credit: Valve

I can’t wait to test the latency on this thing, but superficially this all looks great to me, although I would need to actually see how everything fits into my hand. I’m curious if Valve has considered any other input devices for couch-based control, because I currently have a media PC connected to my TV and you would be shocked at how anemic the marketplace is for lapboards and keyboards with integrated touchpads. This dovetails nicely with Valve’s biggest announcement for the day: the Steam Machine.

The Steam Machine is just a little guy and it’s his birthday

The Steam Machine, Frame, And Controller Are Full Of Good Design Choices
It's tiny! Credit: Valve

Under my TV, there’s a small form factor PC that I built sometime before covid. It is not the fastest machine in my house– it squeaks along with a 2080 Super–but it covers a shocking amount of my Steam Library and plays video files off my local server, which is enough. For everything else, I have Moonlight streaming and wired Ethernet.

What Valve announced with the Steam Machine is, spiritually, the successor to a debacle that happened over a decade ago and also my weird living room PC. According to Valve, the Steam Machine’s design was a response to a significant number of people using their Steam Deck docked most of the time. The Steam Machine is not a powerhouse, but looking at the specs it has just enough power to play a fairly huge swath of my library. It appears to be aimed towards affordability, and while Valve hasn’t announced a price yet, this is a good sign given how everything is getting more expensive for exceedingly avoidable and incoherent reasons. I do not expect it to compete with either Nintendo or Sony in terms of sheer simplicity of use; the Switch and the PS5 just work and that’s a huge selling point. But it’s a more coherent version of what Microsoft seems to be pushing on every single level, which is more than enough to justify its existence.

The Steam Machine, Frame, And Controller Are Full Of Good Design Choices
Valve says the LED bar can be customized to show download progress, and more. Credit: Valve

I need to express my adoration for the design of this thing being just a simple, fairly small cube. I have a PlayStation 5 next to my media PC and it languishes like an ugly Roman emperor being fed grapes on a lectus. Despite several revisions, the PS5 still looks like that. It is an inefficient use of space and I live in an apartment in New York City, so I’m paying rent monthly for that guy. Meanwhile, the Steam Machine is just an unassuming box that plays games, with a design that’s as spartan as the Slim PS2 and the Gamecube.

The device also has an SD card slot, making it so that you can just drop an SD card from your Steam Deck into your Steam Machine seamlessly. The front panel is magnetic and swappable, and Valve is actually sharing the 3D files so that tinkerers can go nuts making custom front panels. Leaning into something that your fanbase was going to do anyway is smart and allows for an ecosystem to flourish. The conclusion that everyone has come to is that it’s going to take less than 24 hours for someone to spray paint it atomic purple and throw a handle on it, thus turning into a Gamecube or, as many people have dubbed it, a “Gabecube.”

The Steam Machine, Frame, And Controller Are Full Of Good Design Choices
I'm gonna break you down into the little cubes....Credit: Valve

I think it is debatable to say that the Steam Machine is a “console,” but the reality is that consoles have just been PCs with child safety locks on them for a very long time now. I am ancient enough to remember when you could run Linux on the PS2. XBMC, which would eventually become Kodi, started off as a homebrew app that you would run on a hacked Xbox. Further dating myself, I remember someone doing this exact thing in my college dorm in like 2005. I also remember the obscene lengths that people took to make homebrew stuff run on Vita and Nintendo DS. I fundamentally believe that if you own a computer you’re its boss and should be able to modify it as you see fit. A tiny, standardized living room PC that starts with this mentality has always been a dream of mine, and I can imagine these little machines having a long life elsewhere in the home as a network device well after they have been replaced by more powerful hardware. 

I have seen people raising concerns about the specs, how it is running with only 8GB of VRAM and RDNA 3. But the genius of the Steam Deck was not that it was a powerhouse, but rather that it established an accessible performance baseline and sorted out compatibility issues, which allowed other manufacturers to build on that. If you want a more powerful version of the Steam Machine, they sell those already: they’re called PCs. This is not an option you have with any other platform, and is as solid a counter argument you could craft to basically any critique of its humble performance. I also think it speaks to a much larger reality, which is that there’s a lot of people who have dropped out of the cutting edge of technology. To be a “gamer” in the AAA sense is a dedicated lifestyle and hobby that requires money, and most people just want something that plays the handful of games they like. I constantly see mini PCs coming out of China from companies like Beelink and Minisforum in roughly this volume, and so the potential for the Steam Machine globally could be huge if Valve is smart with how it positions itself. 

The Steam Machine, Frame, And Controller Are Full Of Good Design Choices
I kinda like that the design is just based around one big fan, although we will have to see how the thermals work. Credit: Valve

As a media hoarder, I’m also excited at what this potentially means for my people: weirdos who stream old video files and BluRay rips from a NAS in another room of their house. Media PCs have been in a weird limbo for a very long time, and I’m a little hopeful that this could be the device that makes that viable. Outside of the ancient Nvidia Shield, the most solid entry level recommendation is buying something called an Ugoos AM6B+ and following a deeply obtuse set of forum instructions. If that sentence gave you a headache, you now have a good handle on where the media PC landscape is currently at. I also think that, long term, Valve should attempt to make sure that streaming services are as well integrated as possible for people who want a unified device, because “just open up Netflix in a browser window” is not a workable solution even for me, and I’m a freak. 

The Steam Machine, Frame, And Controller Are Full Of Good Design Choices
This post has the power to destroy a certain kind of person. Credit:@nopoweradeinusa

Steam Frame - Hybrid Moment

The Steam Machine, Frame, And Controller Are Full Of Good Design Choices
Valve made a new headset and I'm more interested than I could have imagined. Credit: Valve

The tech world’s fascination with VR has always felt forced. VR is specifically for four kinds of people: freaks who spend a lot of money on racing and flight sims, furries in VR chat, people who stream Beat Saber, and/or people who want to watch incredibly specific forms of stereoscopic movies and pornography. While I do not doubt the commitment of people who work on the devices, the high level vision from leadership at Meta and Apple has always felt obscenely half-baked: a version of Snow Crash for people who communicate with family members mainly via LinkedIn. No matter how good the Meta Quest or Apple Vision Pro become, I cannot see myself owning either of them. Meta is one of the most evil companies on the planet and regularly spends criminal amounts of money, talent, and R&D just so Zuck can get on stage and look like a dipshit. Apple’s intended use cases for the Vision Pro are obtuse, confusing, and wildly expensive, which is why I have never seen a single person interact with a Vision Pro in an Apple store even accidentally.

The Steam Machine, Frame, And Controller Are Full Of Good Design Choices
It's modular! Credit: Valve

The original Valve Index understood its audience and is, to this day, a beautifully engineered piece of technology. I own one, and while it has definitely shown its age, the hardware choices it made are still impressive. It utilized an array mic that sounds so good that you could legitimately podcast from it. The dual floating BMR drivers worked well and allowed for immersion without closing you off to the outside world. It was the first VR device that made me not want to barf, and the level of care put into it was the thing that made me realize that Valve was taking hardware seriously and inventively, which it then proceeded to do with the Steam Deck.

Like their previous offering, the Steam Frame is also a fascinating piece of hardware. It is very clearly gunning for the Meta Quest 3, which has cemented itself as the go-to recommendation for most people interested in a VR headset. It is primarily intended to be run as a streaming device from a PC, but unlike the Index it instead utilizes a 6GHz dongle for extremely low latency, although you can technically use WiFi as a fallback like the Meta Quest does. It has a standalone ARM-based processor like the Meta Quest, but unlike the Quest it is meant to be usable with your Steam library – both as a streaming device and standalone on the headset itself. 

The Steam Machine, Frame, And Controller Are Full Of Good Design Choices
I was a bit bummed out because I liked the weird straps on the original Index, but apparently similar straps are available as an accessory. Credit: Valve

In order to make this work, they are using FEX to emulate x86 programs in an ARM environment. I cannot stress how smart a move this could potentially be, even if you do not care about VR. It has long been speculated that Valve was going after ARM-based devices, but trying to figure out the best way to make that compatibility work is quite complicated. By making the Steam Frame primarily a PC accessory with a fallback for emulated ARM-based gaming, they have created an ideal testbed for ARM-based devices in the future. If a single game does not work well locally on-device, that does not diminish the purpose of the device as a streaming headset. I regularly follow ARM-based handhelds, and the progress I have seen people making with emulation on ARM devices has been fairly substantial. This is what I like so much about Valve’s hardware design philosophy: even if a piece of hardware is not feature complete at launch, the process of getting it to work is often a stepping stone to a much larger and more important thing down the line. 

The entire thing is also modular in its design, which I frankly love. The front of the device with the compute module comes off, so implicitly the idea is that you could theoretically upgrade the entire device by just swapping that part out. It also has an SD card slot, which means you can swap the card from your Steam Deck right into it, just like how the Steam Machine works. The Steam Frame is also using something Valve calls Foveated Streaming, itself an iteration on the idea of Foveated rendering, which uses eye tracking to prioritize the image directly where the player is looking. I would need to see how this works in practice, but all of this sounds killer. I rarely get excited for VR, and yet.

Gunning for Microsoft

I would not be as excited as I am for any of this hardware were things not so dire with Microsoft, both as a console maker and someone who makes OSes. Microsoft has repeatedly shot itself in the foot on both fronts, and the questions “what is an Xbox?” and “what is Windows?” fill me with nothing but dread. We have long needed someone to provide a simple, affordable, Linux desktop machine that just works for normal people. Valve seems to be positioning itself in a very smart way on multiple fronts. They are making moves that could not just have long term ramifications for the console space, but for computers generally. And while we will need to see pricing and performance of this hardware in the wild, I have a good feeling about where it could lead. They did a bunch of stuff I wanted someone, anyone, to do for decades, and I have a gut feeling the consequences could be bigger than any of us could imagine.

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