Last month, I had the chance to be on an episode of the Gnomecast with Phil and Ang, where we talked about why players might “turtle up” during a game and what you, as a GM, can do about it. During the discussion, I came to the conclusion that most, if not all, of the reasons someone might turtle comes down to a lack of trust – either in themselves and their abilities or (just as likely, if not more so) in the person running the game.

The memes of the megalomaniacal dungeon master viciously plotting ways to torture their players are real and funny, but they’re not really the norm when it comes to actual game tables. The players versus GM mindset is an older play style that’s fallen out of fashion, and instead, we all work together to build our campaigns.

And trust is a major component of that play style, too. So how do we – as GMs – earn our players’ trust, and more importantly, how can we make sure we keep it? Trust, after all, is a valuable commodity (and yes, I realize the problems implicit in referring to it as a “commodity”…money is the root of all evil, late-stage capitalistic hellscape, yada yada). It’s probably our most precious resource, not just in roleplaying games but also in all of our relationships.

It’s so important, that I thought it deserved a series of articles on Gnome Stew where we could dig deeper into what it takes to earn the trust of your table and what you should do with it once you have it.

Now, I’m not a therapist, and this series (probably) won’t help you fix that fight you just had with your significant other (if it does, though, let me know), but I do know a thing or two about learning how to vibe with the people at my game table, and I hope some of those lessons can be helpful to you too, so let’s dive in.

IT’S ALL ABOUT SOUL LISTENING

With all due respect, to the great profit Billy Joel, when it comes to building trust at your table, the first step is always learning how to listen.

Your players are going to tell you a lot of things – about their characters, about their day at work, about their kids or their pets, about how they’re feeling today – and not all of those things are going to be told to you directly or even spoken out loud. So, for those of us out there who (like me) must sometimes be beaten over the head before we notice subtle cues, what are the things we need to look for in order to improve our table listening skills?

BACKSTORIES

First, start with their character’s backstories. These are often wishlists full of clues as to the kind of stories they want to tell with you.

• Orphaned rogue who vowed vengeance? They’re probably looking for a story with a little grit and maybe (just maybe) a chance to unharden their heart and learn to forgive.
• A noble knight on a quest to save the king’s daughter? They’re looking to tell a traditional adventure with a hint of fairy tale whimsy seasoned to taste and maybe a dash of temptation to fall to the dark side for flavor.
• Archeologist wizard in search of ancient magics? They want to uncover deep history and learn ALL about the lore of your world. (Treasure this player, and do not let them leave your group.)

Even the lack of a backstory or a backstory that’s just a few tags cobbled together in a loose sort of list will give you an insight into what your player wants. Maybe their lack of backstory means they’re unsure of their character’s place in the world, or maybe it means they want a game that’s not so tied down to the past, and they’re looking to build their story as they go.

OR it could just mean they’re a busy person with other things going on in their life, and they didn’t have time to do any more than a short list of character tropes. That doesn’t mean they’re not eager to play – but it is something you need to listen to and incorporate into how you run your game.

And while we’re on the subject of that busy player? Maybe offer to hang onto their character sheet so they don’t have to keep track of it between sessions. Maybe make contingencies for the fact that they’ll probably miss more sessions than they’ll attend. Maybe talk to them about joining you for one-off board games instead of an on-going campaign. Your mileage will vary based on the situation, but a little effort on your part could go a long way towards making not just the busy player but everyone else at your table feel seen and heard.

CHARACTER BUILDS

Next on the list is how they build their character. If backstories tell you what kind of stories they want to play in, their builds tell you how they want to play out those stories.

What skills do they pick? What powers and spells? These are more than just mechanics you have to account for when prepping your encounters. These are signposts, pointing you at the kinds of problems they want to solve in the course of your game.

Skill lists are easy wins here – high diplomacy? They wanna talk their way out of or into situations. High stealth? Plan for at least one heist. But if you’re running a crunchy system like Pathfinder 2E, look at their class feature choices and feat selections. The monk that’s taken the power to slip out of a flanked position when attacked? They’re begging you to flank them because they’ll feel cool as hell when that mechanic triggers.

Are your players meticulously plotting out their level-up choices three or four levels in advance? They’re hungry to engage with that granola-like system crunch.

On the other hand, some players couldn’t care less about planning ahead. They’d rather just pick the powers that sound cool or the ones with the most flavor (as opposed to the ones that tip the math in their favor). Don’t ignore these blissful buckaroos blindly bounding toward that cliff like the Tarot’s own fool.

If you’re non-planners are stoked about a certain mechanic choice, reward their excitement by making sure it appears in the game. It’ll be a fun challenge for you to work it in, and it’ll be the highlight of their session when their narrative flavor choice pays off big.

BODY LANGUAGE

This is likely the trickiest listening skill to learn, because the nuances of body language can be so varied and hard for a layman like myself to describe, but also because so many games are online now-a-days. That doesn’t mean, however, that learning to read your players body language isn’t an important skill to at least practice, even if we don’t master it.

Obviously, there are the big moves like crossed arms, frowns, and downcast eyes. These can mean your players are disengaging with the current story for one reason or another.

Dice-stacking, phone-checking, and general fidgeting are other classic signs of boredom, but they could just as likely be the mild stimulation a person needs to engage. (Personally, I have two modes when I’m in the player seat – meticulous note taking or incessant doodling. If my hands aren’t working, my ears aren’t listening.)

Of course, there are the subtle clues, too – nodding along with descriptions, leaning in when the action gets intense, lots of eye contact, or even anxious nail biting. These smaller gestures can mean a lot of different things, and I can’t tell you exactly what because I don’t know the folks at your table.

You do, though, and if you pay attention, you’ll start to get it.

As for the online arena, you’re limited by your technology, but if you start paying attention, you’ll begin to pick up on things like vocal inflection, tone of voice, and even the speed at which they reply to comments. If all else fails, you can check in every hour or so to take the table’s temperature.

WHEN THEY KNOW YOU HEAR THEM

When you start listening to your players, they’re going to take notice. They’ll know that when they speak up, you hear them, because you hear them even when they don’t speak up.

That will give them the confidence they need to engage with your story in new and exciting ways. Ways you might not have anticipated but ways that I promise will be rewarding AF.

But listening is just the first step. Once you’ve earned their trust, you’ve got to keep it, and in the next article in this series, we’ll look at ways you can maintain the trustworthy relationship you’ve created by sticking to your promises as a GM (the explicit ones you’ve stated and the implicit ones you didn’t say out loud).

Until then, hit us up in the comments and let us know about a time when you realized you really trusted your GM (or if you’re a forever GM, a time when you knew your players really trusted you).