Turtles In Loop

HIGH Fluid combat and solid build diversity.

LOW Paper-thin story.

WTF The Shredder knows who Plato is?!

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Splintered Fate is an honest attempt at the roguelike genre featuring the four titular heroes in a half-shell.

The setting and art direction successfully mimic Nickelodeon’s beloved TV series, all the way down to the constant banter between Leonardo, Raphael, Michelangelo, and Donatello, as well as with the inclusion of the handful of familiar baddies they have to beat (and re-beat, and re-beat again) throughout the campaign.

All of this is to be expected by TMNT fans, and the game rightfully delivers on all fronts when it comes to allowing up to four players to spend an afternoon controlling the ninja rascals while slicing through hordes of cutesy foes. However, aside from that specific draw bolstered by some admittedly infectious dynamism, there isn’t much here to warrant prolonged attention. 

As mentioned, Splintered Fate is structured as a roguelike, meaning players will progress through randomly-generated stages in linear fashion while earning currencies, learning skills, and besting bosses at regular intervals during a full run lasting roughly 30 minutes. It’s played from a top-down perspective that allows players a clear view of the action, instantly making it a fair (yet chaotic) romp given the sheer quantity of enemies that will fill up the screen.

The plot has the turtles dealing with an enigmatic character who’s kidnapped their master and locked him away in another dimension. They urge the boys to complete a series of stages accessible through a portal conveniently placed within their hideout. With (roughly) each new attempt, the turtles accrue clues on how to ultimately rescue Splinter and get him back. Unfortunately, the runs don’t vary much, and players will have to witness the same collection of bland, uneventful-looking biomes and the same bosses in the very same order (with only slight random variations from time to time) over and over again. 

While the plot isn’t anything to write home about, each line of dialogue is dutifully recorded with a cadence that resembles the TV shows, and it goes a long way to selling the experience to fans. Granted, not every videogame needs to propose a philosophical basis for why we, as players, “need” to willingly initiate the next chapter of play while postulating semi-hidden meta-commentary on the nature of life, but Splintered Fate is an example where it’s clear from the get-go that story doesn’t matter — and truth be told, allowing oneself to get entangled in building an all-powerful turtle is incentive enough to keep restarting the same loop for a good while.

Unsurprisingly, up to four people can play together, either locally or online, each controlling one of the turtles while trying to navigate the ever-increasing onslaught of enemies with brightly colored area-of-attack indicators heralding each offensive move. Splintered Fate does a fine job of intuitively teaching newcomers its core mechanics and allowing them to get into a rhythm before long — the action is always zappy, fluid, and entertaining, with various combinations of enemies and bosses aggressively racking up the difficulty to eventually force the player into a more calculated, hit-and-run style. Learning how to spot tiny gaps between enemies’ attack chains to land a crunchy critical strike is as satisfying and rewarding as one would hope.

In addition to this smooth teaching curve, Splintered Fate also features a fair amount of character variety and RPG elements, evident from the very screen when we get to select a character.

While each turtle uses a different weapon with a unique attack speed, reach, and combos, Leo can store up to two special attacks at once, Donatello heals between rounds and more quickly recharges a “Tool” attack, Raphael is all about scoring critical hits and Michelangelo receives multi-hit bonuses — and is generally more likable than the rest!

On top of that, players get to pick between various boosts upon clearing a room, allowing them to apply elemental damage-over-time effects like fire, lighting, and poison (or whatever “ooze” is supposed to be), as well as increasing their chance to score a critical hit or dodge an enemy swing. Defensively, we can use a small dash move to get out of danger, which replenishes after a few seconds to remind us that situation awareness is supremely important in Splintered Fate. 

While this may sound a bit complex, that’s not the case in practice. Once the action starts and upon clearing a room, a selection of two or three powers appear on screen that players can choose from in true roguelike fashion. For example, playing as Donatello, I might be prompted to choose between prolonging the invincibility period of my Tool attack or increasing the reach of my Special attack, making it easier to strike fools in all directions at once.

Aside from that choice system, we also earn currencies that can be spent to bolster certain aspects of our build — things like getting a revive that automatically respawns the character upon death, or permanently increasing things like health points or faster move speed. Of course, such a scheme coalesces into a satisfying advances, as even failed runs allow one to make critical upgrades across the board, boosting the desire to surmount each of Splintered Fate’s challenges.  

On the flip side, this system proved unable to combat the staleness that started to creep in once I had successfully been through a dozen successful runs. Of course no game is meant to last forever, but replay and variety are hallmarks of the roguelike genre and in this way, Splintered Fate comes up a bit short. It’s a good time while it lasts — especially for Turtles fans — but more content, more variety and perhaps a little more narrative would have boosted the experience to the next level. But still, it’s OK!

Rating: 7 out of 10 

Disclosures: This game was developed and published by Super Evil Mega Corp. It is currently available on Switch, PS5, XBX and PC. This copy of the game was obtained via publisher and reviewed on the Switch Lite. Approximately 10 hours of play were devoted to the game, and it was completed. About 45 minutes were spent in online multiplier with two other players, while the maximum player count is four. 

Parents: This game has received an E rating from the ESRB and contains Fantasy Violence. The game features the titular cartoon characters as they battle through hordes of enemy ninjas and robots in an attempt to track down and save their kidnapped master. The writing, action, and art direction are all faithful to Nickelodeon’s long-running Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles series. 

Colorblind Modes: There are no colorblind modes available.

Deaf & Hard of Hearing Gamers: All dialogue in this game is shown via textboxes and fairly well-acted voiceovers, so they’re easy to keep track of even mid-fights. All enemy attacks are clearly telegraphed on-screen with easy-to-note areas of attack. I’d say this game is fully accessible. 

Remappable Controls: This game doesn’t offer a controller diagram and the controls are not remappable. However, the controls are displayed at all times during gameplay at the screen’s corners for easy reference. On the Switch, the face buttons are for striking, using special attacks, and dashing in and out of danger, while the left stick moves the character.

Man. I have seen some shit since taking up a regular post at this fine website. I have had my mind blown with an alarming frequency. I have been sent into waves of mocking laughter more times than anyone writing for a respected website should admit. I have, in other words, been ruined by the internet.

Despite all of this unaddressed trauma, I continue to write for this site. Why? Well… several reasons. First and foremost, I enjoy writing. This site has an amazing group of regular readers. Some days, the hate is as enjoyable as the love. And, if nothing else, I’m provided constant opportunities to see things I’ve never seen before, even considering my many trips around the internet block. In other words, I need help but still prefer the company of others in my same position.

We’re seeing some amazing stuff right now. Fentanyl does indeed have the power to kill. People unfamiliar with its power are at risk of overdosing.

But fentanyl is, at its base, just another opiate. These have always presented this sort of risk, especially because getting high is almost indistinguishable from getting dead, which tends to result in a higher number of overdoses.

Meanwhile, everyone on one side of the drug experience (the DEA, FBI, and the local media) portrays this drug as capable of killing people who aren’t even ingesting it. Every drug bust is broken down to the minimum lethal level — 2 milligrams — by government spokespersons or journalists willing to push the government’s narrative forward.

While it’s likely true two milligrams can kill someone, that dosage would most likely only be able to end the life of an infant forced to ingest this dosage while having its mouth and nose held shut by DEA agents or entirely-too-credulous reporters.

Then there’s the DEA’s insistence drug cartels are not just seeking to addict children but kill them by offering up multi-colored variations of fentanyl products. While it’s undeniably true the drug trade often involves death, very few drug dealers actually want their customers to die. If kids are uniquely susceptible to a product, it makes little sense to market to them, especially when their funds are limited to allowances and birthday cards.

So, it’s unlikely cartels are marketing to children. But that hasn’t stopped the DEA from claiming otherwise. The real reason for multi-colored pills isn’t to make them attractive to children (who are capable of ending their own lives using any number of OTC and prescription medicines that are also multi-colored). It’s marketing. It’s brand differentiation and an indicator to buyers what product they’re getting and what its potency is.

While the government is busy claiming drug cartels are turning deadly drugs into candy, the government is also seeking to obtain deadly drugs in the form of candy. I am not making this up. Here’s Julia Ainsley with the details for NBC News.

The chief medical officer for Customs and Border Protection pressured his staff to order fentanyl lollipops for him to take to the United Nations General Assembly meeting in New York in September, according to a whistleblower report sent to Congress on Friday. 

The whistleblowers said Dr. Alexander Eastman’s staff raised questions about why he would need to order fentanyl lollipops to take with him, and he answered that it was part of his duties to make sure that any injured CBP operators were cared for, making the argument that the lollipops would be necessary for pain management should an emergency occur.

lololololollipop

This sounds like the actions of a person with a drug problem. This sounds exactly like Dr. Eastman wanted a personal stash of fentanyl edibles to get him through the day(s). What this doesn’t sound like is an actual medical need for these products.

Dr. Eastman claimed he was concerned about those flying him to his UN appointment via a Marine helicopter. He also claimed they might be useful in case he or the others on his flight “encountered a patient in need.”

The real reason can only be imagined. But there are some eye-opening things here:

Eastman’s staff initially responded to his request by explaining that Narcan, which can save the lives of those who overdose on fentanyl, has been requested for CBP operations in the past, but not fentanyl itself. The whistleblowers say staff members raised questions about how he would store the lollipops and what he would do with unused fentanyl at the end of the operation, according to the report. 

Eastman responded by writing his own policy regarding procurement of Schedule II narcotics, which omitted any mention of how narcotics were to be stored and disposed of, the whistleblowers allege.

Absolutely on the up and up here. Definitely not the actions of an opiate addict. I mean, we all know the saying: a thief will steal your stuff; a junkie will help you look for it.

On top of this, the whistleblowers pointed out the doctor was an uninvited guest. The chief medical officer is rarely, if ever, asked to attend UN general assemblies. But Eastman inserted himself (and his desire for opioid lollipops) into this equation by insisting his presence was necessary because [squints at report] the CBP was assisting the Secret Service with event security. The addition of a doctor with fentanyl lollipops would apparently make this security even more secure.

While it’s nice the whistle was blown, it appears Dr. Nick Eastman still retains his position as the chief medical officer for the CBP. I guess that’s good news for the boys in green, who will be able to indulge their opiate sweet tooth without fear of reprisal. On top of that, we’re now assured it’s safe to bring opioid edibles on board a government aircraft without having to worry about killing everyone on board with these airborne contaminants. Let’s hope Dr. Eastman continues to maintain his position while simultaneously undercutting the federal government’s “every milligram is a killer” narrative. The more he destroys his own reputation, the more he dismantles anti-drug hysteria that makes people stupider, rather than safer.